Before we delve into the topic today, we want to mention two things.  First, our intent and our spirit today is not one of judging those who are divorced.  We are just sharing a bit of our hearts and what we’ve been through and what we believe about our society and divorce today.  This post is not meant to be hurtful, judgemental, or in any way meant to make you feel less of a person.

As a side note before we go any further, we understand that there are situations where Divorce should happen.  Obviously if you or your children are in danger or being physically, sexually or mentally abused, GET OUT and GET HELP!   You can find more information for help at this website:  The National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Now, onto the post!

I love the picture above, it says a lot about what we are going to talk about this week.  And the couple in the picture is so sweet, look at how the old guy has his hand on her arm even behind his own back.  I hope this post is not a real downer, but rather an inspiration for those with marriages “on the rocks” so to speak.  We are firm believers that there is almost always hope for marriages, that divorce doesn’t have to be the only way out of trouble and a truly great marriage can emerge from the ashes of broken hearts.

A bit of background on this from our perspective.  Ange and I have been very happily married for nearly 14 years now.  We have certainly had our share of ups and downs, (our marriage is far from perfect) but generally we have steered our marriage away from the “biggies” (significant lies, affairs, financial straits, etc.).  But we have been stung from the bitterness of divorce in our world.  My parents divorced recently after 37 years of marriage, and even though I’m a grown man living away from my parents, the ripple effects can still be felt on our family.  My once strong family (my parents and siblings that is) has been ripped apart at the seams and the hurt, bitterness, and separation still affects the relationships with all of us, even the grandkids (including my own children).  Certainly I’m glad my parents stayed together while we were kids so we didn’t have to deal with that growing up, but that doesn’t make this divorce any easier in my books to deal with.  (It is quite painful to watch your husband deal with his family falling apart.) Something I never thought I’d have to go through or watch my parents go through for sure.  For those that are going to wait until the children leave the house before they divorce, please understand that the pain of divorce is going to be there no matter when you decide to go through with it.  It affects everyone, not just you and your spouse.  When you glue two pieces of paper together, you can not rip them apart without some of each sticking to each other.  You will always be dealing with this person in your life, especially if you have children together.

In addition to my parents, several friends have been through a divorce, and many other marriages that we know of  are in shambles, with lots of bitterness and hopelessness all around.  So many have just opted out of the vows they entered into, when they pledged their lives to the other person only to essentially have their fingers crossed behind their back apparantly.  Marriages today are really just a reflection of our culture I suppose, where someone’s spoken word can rarely be relied upon and the “me-centered” life that so many live means that if my spouse stops making me happy, then it’s time to move on.  Marriages are certainly broken if we stop and take a look around.  But what if, like the picture at the top, we stop throwing away the broken marriages we find ourselves in and instead invest in fixing them?  I am a firm believer that marriages can survive and even thrive after going through incredible trials.  And what emerges is a marriage that is fire-tested and stronger than before.  According to a Study by  Linda Waite  Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation, ended up happily married five years later.  Meaning, they waited it out, fought for the marriage, five years later, they were happy.

We have friends who have told us that they made the decision to follow their vows even when they went through some terrible hardships early on in their marriage, and now they are happily married with children and are so glad they toughed it out, sought out counseling and fought the fight worth fighting for.  Your marriage is worth fighting for!  If you haven’t heard the song “Love Is Not A Fight” by Warren Barfield, check it out because it really speaks to what the true meaning of love is in a marriage.

The first verse starts out like this:

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It’s a house we enter in
Then commit to never leave

In your marriage house, have you committed to never leave with your spouse?  More than just the vows you said on your wedding day, are you living your life like divorce is not an option and you will work it out no matter what comes your way?  We believe that great blessings can be found in your marriage if you are faithful to see it through and “fight the fight”.  Because it is a fight after all, and something worth fighting for!

If you haven’t read this post yet, we featured a couple that attended a Love & Respect Conference that Ange & I put on a few years ago through our church.  It’s a great story about how a couple on the verge of divorce reconciled and started fresh!

If there are any of you who are in a tough spot now or need advice or don’t know where to turn, please seek help now before it gets any worse.  Counselors, pastors, friends are there to help.  Many people were there on your wedding day witnessing you say your vows to each other.  The reason why they are there is to remind you and hold you to those vows, not just to attend a reception!  If there is a way that we can help you, please send us a private message and we would be glad to point you in the right direction or just talk with you and help in whatever way we can.  But above all, DON’T GIVE UP – there is too much at stake in your marriage!!

No, your eyes are not playing a trick on you, it’s true, we are posting a Monday Marriage post!  Last time we talked about how it’s important to make time for you and your spouse with weekly or monthly (Hopefully) date nights.  Today we are going to take the idea even further and discuss overnight getaways!

When was the last time you and your spouse had a night away without children, work, stress?  Do you make getting away for an overnight a priority?  Perhaps you’ve never been away from your children?  We know it can be hard to find childcare, money and time to do this!  Some of you out there are really lucky, you have the grandparents that call and ask to take your kiddos for the weekend, which is awesome.  Others (like ourselves) don’t live close enough to family or grandparents for this to be a possibility.  Then there are some of you who seem have not ever been away from your children for the night.  Every marriage and family does things in their own way and we are not here to criticize or judge any of you.  We are here to encourage you to make time even just one night a year with your spouse.   Leaving your house is so helpful, you won’t be distracted by the piles of dishes or dirty laundry, you won’t decide to finish up that project from months ago or clean under the fridge.  By going somewhere like a Bed & Breakfast, hotel or even a cabin in the woods, you have a chance to focus on each other (and when she says “focus”, you know what that means!!).   You don’t even have to leave town if you aren’t comfortable traveling away from your children, it’s always fun to be a visitor in your hometown and check out all those places you’ve wanted to go but just never seem to have the time for.   When planning your getaway, take along a notepad (maybe buy a special notepad) and some pens so you can talk about your 1, 3, 5 and /or 10 year goals.   These don’t have to be set in stone goals, just some dreams, plans and thoughts for your family, your children, your careers, your marriage and even your spiritual growth.  Have fun with this planning and dreaming, write down the crazy stuff, you never know what could happen in ten years and one day you will enjoy looking back at these goals and dreams together!  

 I echo what Ange said above, getaways are a chance to get away from it all and have lots of sex good conversation with one another that otherwise you might not take the opportunity to do by staying home.  While you have these conversations, it’s helpful to be naked in a place where you can focus on each other and not on other distractions, so we would recommend doing this in the privacy of your hotel room in a small quiet restaurant or just even sitting on a swing or taking a nice stroll.  It might be helpful to have these escapades conversations several times over the course of your getaway so you have different opportunities to discuss different ideas, maybe let each of you take turns on top sharing for a while and opening up.  Sorry, when I think of getaways, the mind just goes in that direction, can’t help it.  For that matter, we could be just talking about salad dressing or botanical gardens and my mind will just go there, it’s just how I’m wired!  ;)

In all seriousness, ladies be prepared that if you start to dream a little over the course of your getaway that your man may dream bigger than you are prepared for at times.  I can speak from experience that guys often just like to have big dreams, it’s just part of how God wired us, that we’re always looking for the next big thing.  But when your guy does this, just listen and affirm as best as you can.  Most often, your guy isn’t going to do half of the crazy things he may dream up, but he can be incredibly energized to just have you listen to his dreams and not try to squash them.

And I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to get away from it all, just think of it like another honeymoon.  Most likely you started out your marriage that way, then you need these mini honeymoons along the way to help you remember.  If money or someone to watch the kids is an issue, maybe see if you can arrange something with some close friends, take turns getting away for a weekend while your friends watch the kids and then swap the next weekend.  It will do wonders for both marriages!  Ange and I have done that with some friends of ours and it worked out wonderfully!

Well you can obviously see why  my husband enjoys our getaways.  ;)    Seriously though, we do want to encourage you to get away and take some time for your marriage.  

Next week we will be back to talk about our experience with divorce (in our family) and why we feel so strongly about strengthening and helping marriages.   Have you had a chance to getaway this past year?  Tell us, how long has it been since you had a night away together!

Alright, it’s Marriage Monday again and time for another weekly helping of a marriage focus topic.  This week we are talking about date night, taking time away from “ordinary life” and setting it aside to spend time with the person who matters most in your world (or at least should matter most anyway!!).

 Here’s today’s shocking truth: you should have an affair, everyone of you!  Good, I got your attention.  The catch is, however, that this affair should be with your spouse, and ONLY your spouse of course!  I think if we set that picture in our minds then we might get a glimpse of how this is supposed to work.  Do you remember when you first were dating your spouse (before you were married) and  how you planned out everything, and every time you got together there was energy and excitement and you were so happy to just be with one another that you could have been cleaning bathrooms together and still had a good time?  But then somewhere along the way, maybe just the banality of daily life and just existing together that somehow that excitement and happiness got lost. Maybe now you can’t remember the last time you actually asked your spouse to go on a date with you (did you even know that you still SHOULD be doing that?)?  And far too many just decided that the thrill is now gone and seek it out from another person outside the marriage, and – imagine that – the thrill with that new person returns and you have fun together and sneak around, just like you did with your spouse before you were married.  If we could just somehow change that dynamic so that you could keep that level of excitement within the boundaries of your marriage we would all have better marriages today.

But here’s the thing: you CAN have that level of excitement, you just have to find it.  And trust me, it’s there, it has always been there.  And in so many ways, that level of excitement can FAR outweigh the “newness” excitement because of the level of intimacy you are able to achieve now that you (hopefully) know your spouse better than you did when you first dated.  So here are my tips, mostly focused on the guys for this week because I feel that we men are seriously lacking in the “excitement” phase of our relationships more often than not:

1) Make date night a priority!  Everybody has a calendar, filled with weekly events.  Add a new one to your calendar, call it “date night” or something creative like “reconnection adventure” or whatever.  But you say there is no room in your calendar?  Then get out the eraser, call your friend or the committee you are serving on and tell them you are making your spouse the priority for once so you need to take a break so you can restore passion in your marriage.  Do you really need three bowling leagues, those TV sitcoms you just have to watch, that weekly committee meeting, etc.?  EVERYONE has a few hours a week to make this a priority if they just give it a shot!

2) Make date night special!  Men – make the arrangements, call the sitter, make a reservation, take the initiative for once!  You did it when you were dating and she melted into your arms.  Do it now and watch the same thing happen, I guarantee it.  And it will be even better than when you were dating, that same excitement can be even more of a thrill today, trust me!
Women – I do love when my man calls and arranges everything but once in a while it is nice for us to do the same thing.  And maybe when you plan the date, find out if his favorite sports team is playing, head to Buffalo Wild Wings, wear a pony tail and a hat, eat some wings and help him cheer on his team.  Maybe he likes to be outdoors, plan a date, go with him fishing or hunting and try this, NO talking.  Just sit and enjoy the beauty of your surroundings.   You will be amazed at how this recharges him!   Not all the dates have to be dinner and movie dates, or stuff that is more girly, try to do some activities that he would enjoy too!

3) Make date night memorable! Guys – wear your cologne (HER favorite, of course), put on the nice pair of pants and that sweet shirt, dress to impress.  Do you remember when you were dating how you would actually look at yourself in the mirror before you want to pick her up?  Do you know how much that will mean to her when she realizes again that this date night is special to you?  I have learned that making myself look good increases my confidence on our dates, and I love getting the look from Ange when she’s actually checking ME out instead of the waiter at the restaurant.  I do not check out the waiter at the restaurant!  Or are you talking about that time we played Restaurant at home?  ;)  

Ladies – obviously this one isn’t too hard for us, we like to get dolled up and look good for our man.  So maybe underneath that cute maxi dress, slip on a sexy bra and matching undies or dare I suggest maybe not wearing any?  I know, scandalous.  Tell him about it during dinner and watch his reaction.  That will definitely make date night memorable!

4) Make date night last beyond date night!  In here, it’s really the little things – leave her a note to tell her you are looking forward to the date.  After it’s over, tell her you’re excited for the next one (since hopefully the first one was great and you are looking for a repeat performance!).  Be her “secret lover” (remember what I said about having an “affair” with your spouse?) and woo her just the way you would if you were trying to date her all over again.  It might sound like work, but once you start doing it you will remember what made you crazy for this girl when you first started dating and the excitement will come back to you quickly, I promise!  (Your wooing skills have come a long way since you were 17 years old baby.  And wasn’t I the one who was wooing you (very funny!)?  I am the one who called and asked you out, remember?)  

Lets make sure we show our apprecation to our man for setting up the date night, arranging the sitter and letting him know that his efforts didn’t go unnoticed.  We have to tell them what we like, they can’t read our minds (uh, most definitely!).  Sending him an email during the week telling him you are looking forward to the next date night will encourage him to keep setting them up.

5) Find something you both enjoy doing together and do it!  I think this is probably my favorite advice for people that are newly married or are just feeling stuck in their marriage!  If you both have vastly different hobbies or things you enjoy doing, why not find something new to do together?  Maybe take up photography, ballroom dancing, archery, bowling, tennis, wine tasting, antiquing, learn a new language together, the ideas are endless (does SEX count?).   I have seen so many marriages that have drifted apart because he does “his” stuff and she does “her” stuff.  So start something new that you both might end up enjoying and in the mean time, have fun trying out different things until you find that something you both like.   The main thing is find something to do TOGETHER!   

6) Double Date!  We had a double date this past Saturday and it was so much fun!  It was great getting to know another couple, asking them how they met and then sharing  our how we met story.  Something about sharing the how we met story always makes me really happy and brings us back to those first days of love.  Sometimes sharing date night with another couple brings some conversation and adventure into the night that you might not normally have.   They might know of a great restraurant you’ve never been too that might become a new favorite place for you to frequent.  Alex & I always enjoy playing card and board games with couples, maybe you’ll find some new cribbage partners to play with or they could introduce you to a new game you’ve never played.  Sometimes it’s fun to just mix it up and bring some friends along for a great night out as couples, not moms that have playdates together.  

We could talk about this subject forever but we’ll stop here.

Looking for more ideas on this subject?  Check out a series that Focus on the Family has just released found here.   Take the date night challenge on there to get you started.  We signed up for the challenge and hope you will too!

Don’t feel you have the money?  Date nights don’t have to be expensive, you don’t even have to leave the house to set aside time together, put the kids to bed early or send them to their rooms for the night and tell them, mommy and daddy are having date night.  The kids will probably enjoy the date night at home as much as you will!

Don’t feel you have the energy after taking care of kids all day?  You own it to your kids to keep your marriage together and strong, it’s the BEST thing you can do for them in the long run and for your marriage.  AfteralL, what happens when the kids leave the house?  Don’t end up strangers!  (Refer to #5)

Here are a few great blog posts and or website articles that have some creative, cheap and fun ideas for date nights!

 

 

Send us a note, tell us what you are going to do about date night starting THIS week, we would love to hear from you and how you are putting this into practice in your marriage! Maybe you have a great date night that wasn’t mentioned in the post or links above, we’d love to hear about it!

And join us next week where we will be diving into why it’s so important to have a getaway from it all!

Ange and Alex

Hello!  The Blooming Hydrangea is beginning a new weekly series this week entitled “Marriage Mondays”.  We (more on this in a minute) are so excited to bring you a weekly blog post involving all things related to marriages, and it is our hope that your marriages (or soon-to-be marriages) are blessed as you learn and laugh with us.  We have felt a strong calling to talk about marriages because we have been richly blessed with an amazing one, but we know that there are many out there who have struggling marriages or have already been divorced and have felt the pain in this area of life.  Certainly our culture doesn’t make things any easier in this area, and the pain of divorce weighs heavy in almost everyone’s life at one point or another. either through your own experience of those of friends and/or famiy.    But it is our hope that you can find true JOY in your marriage, and that we can help you out just a little with our series.

On the subject of “we”, these posts will be co-authored by Ange of course and joined by husband Alex (whom you may previously only know as “The Blooming Hubs”) for a dual approach to this subject.  After all it takes both of us to make our marriage work, so talking about it should involve both of us as well so we can each represent our own sides of the story.

And along the way we’ll be opening up the lines of communication with all of you and  allow you to submit questions (either publicly or privately if you wish to remain anonymous) for us to answer, directed to either Ange, Alex, or both of us.  When we communicate in these posts we will use colors to differentiate who is talking so that you can know which perspective you are getting.  In honor of the “Blue and Pink” alluded  to by Love and Respect Ministries, we will use those colors to represent us so Ange will post her comments in Pink and Alex will post in Blue.

So let’s start by sharing a bit with you where we started from so you can know a bit more about our marriage.  We have been together for nearly 18 years (wow, has it been that long?? Makes me feel old)(ummm, no comment?)  and married for nearly 14.  We met in high school in our senior year and both knew right away that we had something special, although it took a few weeks for us to get our relationship going (Ange will quickly remind you that SHE was the one who had to call me for the first date and if she hadn’t she’d still be waiting!!).  (If you don’t know this already babe, I am kind of quick to act on things, when I like something, I go for it!)   Right after high school we were engaged, and married towards the end of college.

 

Within 6 months of our marriage, we said goodbye to our mutual home town and moved away on our own to our neighboring state where Alex started a new job out of school.  Soon after, children came into the picture (four in all from 2001 to 2009) and just last year we uprooted our now family of six and moved to another state.

As far as our marriage goes, we have had our share of ups and downs, but overall we feel that we get along great and are in the process of making our marriage something really special.  Neither of us really knew what marriage was all about when we first started (who does really?) but we have taken our vows seriously and grown even closer today then we were when we started.  We have been careful to not let life get in the way of our marriage, not even allowing the blessings of children to interfere with our relationship with each other.  A few years into our marriage we watched the Love and Respect videos together with a small group and our marriage has really been transformed from that experience.  It helped us really make sense out of our disagreements and work towards unity in a way we hadn’t been able to do before.  Since that time we have helped share the Love and Respect message with many couples from our church as well as dozens of couples with some local marriage conferences we helped organize.  We have seen firsthand the transformative power of those videos on marriages, (check out this blog post)  making nearly hopeless marriages able to survive and making so-so marriages into great ones.  We will draw on some of that material as we present this series.

We would love to hear from you, maybe you have a question or two that we can TRY to answer?  Any topics of interest you’d like us to make sure we cover in this series?  Please give us your feedback so that we can tailor this series to your liking!  Email us and we promise that these questions will remain anonymous on the blog and kept in the strictest of confidence!

Next week we’ll be talking about the book The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Many of you maybe familiar with this book and we are going to encourage you to read it again to freshen up on your love language skills.  If you have never read this book before, ask around and see if you can borrow a copy from your friends, your church or the library.   It’s sometimes at Wal-mart for around $5. Your homework for next week is to find a copy of this book.

 

Then head over to this link and take the 5 Love Languages quiz, please take the quiz even if you’ve done it before, you might be surprised by your answers.  If your spouse is willing, have them take the quiz as well and hopefully this will stir up some good conversation between the two of you.  We will be back next week to talk more about the Five Love Languages.
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