Before we delve into the topic today, we want to mention two things.  First, our intent and our spirit today is not one of judging those who are divorced.  We are just sharing a bit of our hearts and what we’ve been through and what we believe about our society and divorce today.  This post is not meant to be hurtful, judgemental, or in any way meant to make you feel less of a person.

As a side note before we go any further, we understand that there are situations where Divorce should happen.  Obviously if you or your children are in danger or being physically, sexually or mentally abused, GET OUT and GET HELP!   You can find more information for help at this website:  The National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Now, onto the post!

I love the picture above, it says a lot about what we are going to talk about this week.  And the couple in the picture is so sweet, look at how the old guy has his hand on her arm even behind his own back.  I hope this post is not a real downer, but rather an inspiration for those with marriages “on the rocks” so to speak.  We are firm believers that there is almost always hope for marriages, that divorce doesn’t have to be the only way out of trouble and a truly great marriage can emerge from the ashes of broken hearts.

A bit of background on this from our perspective.  Ange and I have been very happily married for nearly 14 years now.  We have certainly had our share of ups and downs, (our marriage is far from perfect) but generally we have steered our marriage away from the “biggies” (significant lies, affairs, financial straits, etc.).  But we have been stung from the bitterness of divorce in our world.  My parents divorced recently after 37 years of marriage, and even though I’m a grown man living away from my parents, the ripple effects can still be felt on our family.  My once strong family (my parents and siblings that is) has been ripped apart at the seams and the hurt, bitterness, and separation still affects the relationships with all of us, even the grandkids (including my own children).  Certainly I’m glad my parents stayed together while we were kids so we didn’t have to deal with that growing up, but that doesn’t make this divorce any easier in my books to deal with.  (It is quite painful to watch your husband deal with his family falling apart.) Something I never thought I’d have to go through or watch my parents go through for sure.  For those that are going to wait until the children leave the house before they divorce, please understand that the pain of divorce is going to be there no matter when you decide to go through with it.  It affects everyone, not just you and your spouse.  When you glue two pieces of paper together, you can not rip them apart without some of each sticking to each other.  You will always be dealing with this person in your life, especially if you have children together.

In addition to my parents, several friends have been through a divorce, and many other marriages that we know of  are in shambles, with lots of bitterness and hopelessness all around.  So many have just opted out of the vows they entered into, when they pledged their lives to the other person only to essentially have their fingers crossed behind their back apparantly.  Marriages today are really just a reflection of our culture I suppose, where someone’s spoken word can rarely be relied upon and the “me-centered” life that so many live means that if my spouse stops making me happy, then it’s time to move on.  Marriages are certainly broken if we stop and take a look around.  But what if, like the picture at the top, we stop throwing away the broken marriages we find ourselves in and instead invest in fixing them?  I am a firm believer that marriages can survive and even thrive after going through incredible trials.  And what emerges is a marriage that is fire-tested and stronger than before.  According to a Study by  Linda Waite  Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation, ended up happily married five years later.  Meaning, they waited it out, fought for the marriage, five years later, they were happy.

We have friends who have told us that they made the decision to follow their vows even when they went through some terrible hardships early on in their marriage, and now they are happily married with children and are so glad they toughed it out, sought out counseling and fought the fight worth fighting for.  Your marriage is worth fighting for!  If you haven’t heard the song “Love Is Not A Fight” by Warren Barfield, check it out because it really speaks to what the true meaning of love is in a marriage.

The first verse starts out like this:

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It’s a house we enter in
Then commit to never leave

In your marriage house, have you committed to never leave with your spouse?  More than just the vows you said on your wedding day, are you living your life like divorce is not an option and you will work it out no matter what comes your way?  We believe that great blessings can be found in your marriage if you are faithful to see it through and “fight the fight”.  Because it is a fight after all, and something worth fighting for!

If you haven’t read this post yet, we featured a couple that attended a Love & Respect Conference that Ange & I put on a few years ago through our church.  It’s a great story about how a couple on the verge of divorce reconciled and started fresh!

If there are any of you who are in a tough spot now or need advice or don’t know where to turn, please seek help now before it gets any worse.  Counselors, pastors, friends are there to help.  Many people were there on your wedding day witnessing you say your vows to each other.  The reason why they are there is to remind you and hold you to those vows, not just to attend a reception!  If there is a way that we can help you, please send us a private message and we would be glad to point you in the right direction or just talk with you and help in whatever way we can.  But above all, DON’T GIVE UP – there is too much at stake in your marriage!!

No, your eyes are not playing a trick on you, it’s true, we are posting a Monday Marriage post!  Last time we talked about how it’s important to make time for you and your spouse with weekly or monthly (Hopefully) date nights.  Today we are going to take the idea even further and discuss overnight getaways!

When was the last time you and your spouse had a night away without children, work, stress?  Do you make getting away for an overnight a priority?  Perhaps you’ve never been away from your children?  We know it can be hard to find childcare, money and time to do this!  Some of you out there are really lucky, you have the grandparents that call and ask to take your kiddos for the weekend, which is awesome.  Others (like ourselves) don’t live close enough to family or grandparents for this to be a possibility.  Then there are some of you who seem have not ever been away from your children for the night.  Every marriage and family does things in their own way and we are not here to criticize or judge any of you.  We are here to encourage you to make time even just one night a year with your spouse.   Leaving your house is so helpful, you won’t be distracted by the piles of dishes or dirty laundry, you won’t decide to finish up that project from months ago or clean under the fridge.  By going somewhere like a Bed & Breakfast, hotel or even a cabin in the woods, you have a chance to focus on each other (and when she says “focus”, you know what that means!!).   You don’t even have to leave town if you aren’t comfortable traveling away from your children, it’s always fun to be a visitor in your hometown and check out all those places you’ve wanted to go but just never seem to have the time for.   When planning your getaway, take along a notepad (maybe buy a special notepad) and some pens so you can talk about your 1, 3, 5 and /or 10 year goals.   These don’t have to be set in stone goals, just some dreams, plans and thoughts for your family, your children, your careers, your marriage and even your spiritual growth.  Have fun with this planning and dreaming, write down the crazy stuff, you never know what could happen in ten years and one day you will enjoy looking back at these goals and dreams together!  

 I echo what Ange said above, getaways are a chance to get away from it all and have lots of sex good conversation with one another that otherwise you might not take the opportunity to do by staying home.  While you have these conversations, it’s helpful to be naked in a place where you can focus on each other and not on other distractions, so we would recommend doing this in the privacy of your hotel room in a small quiet restaurant or just even sitting on a swing or taking a nice stroll.  It might be helpful to have these escapades conversations several times over the course of your getaway so you have different opportunities to discuss different ideas, maybe let each of you take turns on top sharing for a while and opening up.  Sorry, when I think of getaways, the mind just goes in that direction, can’t help it.  For that matter, we could be just talking about salad dressing or botanical gardens and my mind will just go there, it’s just how I’m wired!  ;)

In all seriousness, ladies be prepared that if you start to dream a little over the course of your getaway that your man may dream bigger than you are prepared for at times.  I can speak from experience that guys often just like to have big dreams, it’s just part of how God wired us, that we’re always looking for the next big thing.  But when your guy does this, just listen and affirm as best as you can.  Most often, your guy isn’t going to do half of the crazy things he may dream up, but he can be incredibly energized to just have you listen to his dreams and not try to squash them.

And I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to get away from it all, just think of it like another honeymoon.  Most likely you started out your marriage that way, then you need these mini honeymoons along the way to help you remember.  If money or someone to watch the kids is an issue, maybe see if you can arrange something with some close friends, take turns getting away for a weekend while your friends watch the kids and then swap the next weekend.  It will do wonders for both marriages!  Ange and I have done that with some friends of ours and it worked out wonderfully!

Well you can obviously see why  my husband enjoys our getaways.  ;)    Seriously though, we do want to encourage you to get away and take some time for your marriage.  

Next week we will be back to talk about our experience with divorce (in our family) and why we feel so strongly about strengthening and helping marriages.   Have you had a chance to getaway this past year?  Tell us, how long has it been since you had a night away together!